"1 King 13:11. An old prophet was living in Bethel. His sons told him everything the man of Elohim did in Bethel that day and the exact words he had spoken to the king. When they told their father, 12. he said to them, "Which road did he take? (His sons had seen which road the man of Elohim from Judah had taken.) 13. The old prophet told his sons, "Saddle the donkey for me." After they had saddled the donkey for him, he got on it. 14. He went after the man of Elohim and found him sitting under an oak tree. The old prophet asked him, "Are you the man of Elohim who came from Judah?" "Yes," he answered. 15. "Come home with me, and eat a meal," the old prophet replied. 16. The man of God said, "I'm not allowed to go back with you. I'm not allowed to eat or drink with you. 17. When Yahweh spoke to me, he told me not to eat or drink there or back on the road I took to get there." 18. The old prophet said, "I'm also a prophet, like you. An angel spoke the word of Yahweh to me. He said, 'Bring him home with you so that he may have something to eat and drink." (But the old prophet was lying.) 19. The man of God went back with him and ate and drank in his home. 20. When they were sitting at the table, Yahweh spoke his word to the old prophet who had brought back the man of Elohim. 21. Yahweh also called to the man of Elohim. He said, "This is what Yahweh says: You rebelled against the words from Yahweh's mouth and didn't obey the command that Yahweh your Elohim gave you. 22 You came back, ate, and drank at this place about which he told you, 'Don't eat or dink there.' That is why your dead body will not be allowed to be placed in the tomb of your ancestors." 23. After the old prophet had something to eat and drink, he saddled the donkey for the prophet whom he had brought back. 24. The man of Elohim left. A lion found him as he traveled on the road and killed him. His dead body was thrown on the road. The donkey and the lion were standing by the body. 25. People who passed by saw the body lying on the road and the lion standing by the body. They talked about it in the city where the old prophet was living." 26. When the old prophet who had brought the man of Elohim back from the road heard about it, he said, "It's the man of Elohim who rebelled against the words from Yahweh's mouth! Yahweh gave him tot he lion. It tore him to pieces and killed him as the word of Yahweh had told him."-The Names of God Bible, Ann Spangler
This passage brought me to stop reading and think. It made me think that we are held accountable for our obedience to the Heavenly Father. Even with this prophet, he was told, given specific instructions, directions, and commandments. Now he obeyed it when it came to the king at the time who asked him to come back in 1 Kings 13:7-10. But once another prophet or man of God came to say no don't listen to God because God said this to me regarding what you should do, he believed the old prophet instead of what God told him himself. Now I cannot fathom why the younger prophet believed the older. Was it because he was older, or was it because he said he was also a prophet and didn't think he would do something to harm him. But whatever the case may be the younger prophet should have stayed and continued to obey the Father. In my head I was thinking, if God did change his mind about him going back and to eat, drink with another prophet wouldn't he have told him that and advised/warned him of that ahead of time? And the answer to that is yes. The Father always gives specific instruction and details.
Now I knew this, but it didn't really click in my head until this past Tuesday on Bible Study, however it didn't stop me from making a silly decision while I was even saying or thinking to myself I know I'm going to be held accountable for this. But today, when I read this scripture, that is when it became life changing to me. I'm like even if a prophet of our Father dies from being disobedient than how so much he will do to me. It's just that important.
What I got from this is that I should obey listen and follow whatever the Father tells me to do, commands me to do, and instructs me to do, even if another believer, family, friend, elder, stranger or even somebody else tries to get me or want me to do the exact opposite. I must continue to obey my Father and trust that if there's something different that he wants me to do that he will tell me and let me know just as he let me know the first time. Because I am accountable for my actions, my choice, my obedience. And when the time comes for me to stand in front him and he asks me why didn't I do what he said. I have nobody to blame or point to but myself. So when it's my time and my turn for me to be held accountable for my actions I want to be able to say and to show that I was obedient to the Heavenly Father.
*Author's Note: The Bible Study I'm referring to is on on Tuesday and Friday nights 9EST/8CST and it's by phone so anyone anybody and everybody is welcome to join, listen. It's called Prayer Love Our Family Bible Study held by Bro. Edwards. If you would like to take a listen, learn, and experience what I did, please call, you're more than welcome to. 1- 605-475-6700 passcode 7556771#. And if you would like a sneak peak or something to get you started they are also recorded, so you can listen to past recordings at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/djsqwyd. And just once again click on the recordings title Prayer Love our Family Bible Study (with Bro/Minister/Pastor Nathaniel Edwards).*
Thank you.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Friday, December 7, 2012
My Evil
Have you ever prayed or asked the Heavenly Father for help to do something or guidance, and then throughout that day things happen, things or said to help you. Well that happened to me last night. I asked Abba-Father for help to quit something, and on my way to pick up my husband from work, this truck sped up to get in front of me, at first I was like come on are you serious, but then as I was looking at back of his window, this scripture was on it. "Romans 12:21. Be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good."-KJV. I was like wow, I know I know but I didn't adhere, because I was still trying to make excuses and justify what I was doing, which was buying some cigarettes, and that smoking isn't really considered evil in God's eyes and I came to a point that I would no longer use cigarettes as my idol or outlet, I just wanted to do it because I liked smoking.
Man well let me tell ya, today I got a sickening awakening, literally. Today I was telling myself that it would be my last day smoking at least for the month because my husband is getting some time off work, he doesn't like me smoking or the smell and I wanted to be considerate of his feelings. So my silly behind, before leaving, to pick up my mom, smoked two cigarettes instead of one because my thought was why wait till he gets off work, why not just quit now. I started to feel so sick as I smoked that second cigarette that I couldn't even finish. Driving to the trash I was like I forget cigarettes did this to me had this affect on me, and after throwing them away, I started vomiting. And I was like man, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, etc. While getting situated back inside the car, the Holy Spirit brought this scripture to my remembrance. "James 4:17. Therefore to him that knoweth to do good and doeth [it] not, to him it is sin."-KJV. And I was astounded, floored, like duh flabbergasted and so many other words that I'm unable to think of right now to describe how I felt. I was like I totally forget about that scripture. After that, while driving the sickness started to dissipate, the taste and craving of wanting one came back, and my mind started at it again but this time I began to repeat that scripture, I begin to pray and praise God, and in time my mind stopped, the battle won.
At times I get so frustrated with myself that I'm not able to remember scriptures like I want to or when I think that I need them. But today, Abba reminded me that His word is in me, and that in the times when He knows I truly need it and struggling, He will bring it to my mind and to my heart for me to use to battle strengthen and comfort myself with. Because when I do read His word, it's not lost and gone, just safely keep in storage for the appropriate time to be used for His purpose and will in my life, when He knows I'm ready, for me to do and be all and everything HE wants me to do and be.
Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.
Man well let me tell ya, today I got a sickening awakening, literally. Today I was telling myself that it would be my last day smoking at least for the month because my husband is getting some time off work, he doesn't like me smoking or the smell and I wanted to be considerate of his feelings. So my silly behind, before leaving, to pick up my mom, smoked two cigarettes instead of one because my thought was why wait till he gets off work, why not just quit now. I started to feel so sick as I smoked that second cigarette that I couldn't even finish. Driving to the trash I was like I forget cigarettes did this to me had this affect on me, and after throwing them away, I started vomiting. And I was like man, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, etc. While getting situated back inside the car, the Holy Spirit brought this scripture to my remembrance. "James 4:17. Therefore to him that knoweth to do good and doeth [it] not, to him it is sin."-KJV. And I was astounded, floored, like duh flabbergasted and so many other words that I'm unable to think of right now to describe how I felt. I was like I totally forget about that scripture. After that, while driving the sickness started to dissipate, the taste and craving of wanting one came back, and my mind started at it again but this time I began to repeat that scripture, I begin to pray and praise God, and in time my mind stopped, the battle won.
At times I get so frustrated with myself that I'm not able to remember scriptures like I want to or when I think that I need them. But today, Abba reminded me that His word is in me, and that in the times when He knows I truly need it and struggling, He will bring it to my mind and to my heart for me to use to battle strengthen and comfort myself with. Because when I do read His word, it's not lost and gone, just safely keep in storage for the appropriate time to be used for His purpose and will in my life, when He knows I'm ready, for me to do and be all and everything HE wants me to do and be.
Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Specifically Called and Willing
I don't know about you but there are a few books, chapters, and spots in the Bible that I dread to read, (however I was told if I just research the Hebraic meanings and everything I would understand why it is so, like their names and all that. Not there though, but I do keep that advice with me), like Leviticus, Numbers, and then a few chapters in Exodus. But it is in those chapters of Exodus that inspire me to write this today.
In Exodus 25-31 God gives Moses specific instructions on how to build The Tent of Meeting, what it is to look like, size, width, what's to be in it, the clothing for the priests etc. And then again in Exodus 35-40 it goes into exact detail again but this time it is regarding the making of it. So a quick break down in 35:10-20-22, the items needed were given by those who were willing and whose hearts moved them to. Then in 35:30-33 God chose Bezalel and filled him with the Ruach Elohim (the Spirit of God), making him high skilled, resourceful, and knowledgeable in all trades to do what needed to be done, and in 35:34 made Oholiab his assistant you can say the ability to teach others to do what needed to be done. And them along with every other craftsman God gave the necessary skill and talent to help as well.
Now this can also be tied into 1 Corinthians 12 regarding spiritual gifts.God has something for each of us to do, he has filled us and gifted us with various talents, skills, and gifts. Some may be the same and some may not. Some may be greater at it than others and some may not be. But the important thing is is that together we can do and accomplish all things God wants us to do. However it does require each of us to put our pride away, our greed, our selfishness, our shyness, our ignorance, and anything else that would hinder ourselves from doing God's work and being part of it. The question is are you willing to do what God wants and asks you to do with the specific gift, talent, and skill he has given to you, as well as aide others that God is using and has given them something to do as well where/when you can help. Because when you do, you're always in the most important spotlight of all. His.
Peace
In Exodus 25-31 God gives Moses specific instructions on how to build The Tent of Meeting, what it is to look like, size, width, what's to be in it, the clothing for the priests etc. And then again in Exodus 35-40 it goes into exact detail again but this time it is regarding the making of it. So a quick break down in 35:10-20-22, the items needed were given by those who were willing and whose hearts moved them to. Then in 35:30-33 God chose Bezalel and filled him with the Ruach Elohim (the Spirit of God), making him high skilled, resourceful, and knowledgeable in all trades to do what needed to be done, and in 35:34 made Oholiab his assistant you can say the ability to teach others to do what needed to be done. And them along with every other craftsman God gave the necessary skill and talent to help as well.
Now this can also be tied into 1 Corinthians 12 regarding spiritual gifts.God has something for each of us to do, he has filled us and gifted us with various talents, skills, and gifts. Some may be the same and some may not. Some may be greater at it than others and some may not be. But the important thing is is that together we can do and accomplish all things God wants us to do. However it does require each of us to put our pride away, our greed, our selfishness, our shyness, our ignorance, and anything else that would hinder ourselves from doing God's work and being part of it. The question is are you willing to do what God wants and asks you to do with the specific gift, talent, and skill he has given to you, as well as aide others that God is using and has given them something to do as well where/when you can help. Because when you do, you're always in the most important spotlight of all. His.
Peace
Sunday, December 2, 2012
My Golden Calf
I find myself questioning my faith, my belief, my choices, and my decisions. I know some people say that that is just the devil messing with me but to me honest, if I was firm in this there wouldn't be anything for him to use to mess me with. So in honesty it's me.
I know I am not firm and consistent in this faith I claim to believe and share. I don't put Abba Yahweh (Father God) like I should, as he wants and requires of us. When trouble arises I don't run to him or his word, I run to my own devices and vices. Recently when my husband and I had our first argument, trial, trouble in our marriage, I didn't go to God, I ran back to cigarettes. Yes I thought about him, prayed, and read the Word later, but he wasn't my first thought, my first stress reliever, my first sorrow quencher, my fire extinguisher for my anger and my pain. Then I think back to when I first came to Yah, the zeal I had for him, to want to know him, search him, and seek him, and I realize my worship, my heart, and my desire is not even close to what it was then. And then so many other things about my childhood finally coming to light, the truth, and I begin to question him. And now I find myself thinking, do I really want to do this? What's the point? It's too hard. I can't always feel him and believe that he's always here with me, and that's what I want, what I need, because I know I'm weak, and will sway at the slightest wind of despair, loneliness, trouble, doubt, and fear.
This morning I was reading Exodus 29-31, and this is the point where El has already delivered the Israelites out of Egypt and there at Mount Sinai, Moses has went up to the mountain to receive the laws, commandments, and judgments from God. He was up there for 40 days and 40 nights, and the people were left alone, without their direct connect to God. Now in Exodus 32 when he began to be gone for a long time, the people went to Aaron and told him to make them a golden calf to be their god. "Exodus 32: When the people saw that Moses delayed coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron. They said to him, "We don't know what has happened to this Moses, who led us out of Egypt. Make gods who will lead us."-The Names of God Bible. And that made me think about myself. When I don't feel God's presence with me, I began to believe and doubt if he is there anymore. And even that he left me. So I begin to think and devise other ways to please me, do my own thing, and work things, out.
But the thing that the Israelites and I didn't do and let that be our nails planted to the ground is remember everything El has done for us, what he taught and showed us, what he promised us. We didn't stand firm in the faith, in the belief, we swayed, doubted, we became impatient. We didn't trust.
So I'm realizing that God isn't the problem, who am to question him. What I need to do is question myself, go back to him, not think about how I can fix things and make them better but how he can. To seek him first, and remember everything that he has done for me. Because at times when I feel like he isn't there, he still is but just waiting on me to seek him. Like my son, we may be in the same place but if I go to a different room, he may stop playing and come seek me out to make sure I was still around, still close. So that is what I must do. That is something we all must do, when we feel like our direct connection to him is gone instead of making our own golden calf, we should and are to seek him out ourselves, because when we do, we will find him.
Here is a scripture that I found to be encouraging and helpful, when Moses tells El that he wants to see his face, but he is unable to because he would die, so instead El passes over him in the form of a cloud. "Exodus 34:6. Then Yahweh passed in front of Moses, calling out, "Yahweh, Yahweh, a compassionate and merciful El, patient, always faithful and ready to forgive. 7. He continues to show his love to thousands of generations, forgiving wrongdoing, disobedience, and sin. He never lets the guilty go unpunished, punishing children and grandchildren for their parents' sins to the third and fourth generation."-The Names of God Bible. And then Moses immediately responds with this which is so true, especially for me. "Exodus 34:8. Immediately, Moses knelt, bowing with his face touching the ground. 9. Then he said, "Adonay, please go with us! Even though we are impossible to deal with, forgive our sins and the wrong we have done, and accept us as your own people."-The Names of God Bible
I am an impossible person to deal with, and I've done so many wrongs, and I just want to be accepted and learning that not to be accepted by other people but by El because that is what matters. And that he is patient, he is compassionate, merciful, he loves me and always ready to forgive me for my sin, wrongdoing, and disobedience, when all I have to do is seek him out. Because he's there, waiting patiently for me to come to him.
I know I am not firm and consistent in this faith I claim to believe and share. I don't put Abba Yahweh (Father God) like I should, as he wants and requires of us. When trouble arises I don't run to him or his word, I run to my own devices and vices. Recently when my husband and I had our first argument, trial, trouble in our marriage, I didn't go to God, I ran back to cigarettes. Yes I thought about him, prayed, and read the Word later, but he wasn't my first thought, my first stress reliever, my first sorrow quencher, my fire extinguisher for my anger and my pain. Then I think back to when I first came to Yah, the zeal I had for him, to want to know him, search him, and seek him, and I realize my worship, my heart, and my desire is not even close to what it was then. And then so many other things about my childhood finally coming to light, the truth, and I begin to question him. And now I find myself thinking, do I really want to do this? What's the point? It's too hard. I can't always feel him and believe that he's always here with me, and that's what I want, what I need, because I know I'm weak, and will sway at the slightest wind of despair, loneliness, trouble, doubt, and fear.
This morning I was reading Exodus 29-31, and this is the point where El has already delivered the Israelites out of Egypt and there at Mount Sinai, Moses has went up to the mountain to receive the laws, commandments, and judgments from God. He was up there for 40 days and 40 nights, and the people were left alone, without their direct connect to God. Now in Exodus 32 when he began to be gone for a long time, the people went to Aaron and told him to make them a golden calf to be their god. "Exodus 32: When the people saw that Moses delayed coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron. They said to him, "We don't know what has happened to this Moses, who led us out of Egypt. Make gods who will lead us."-The Names of God Bible. And that made me think about myself. When I don't feel God's presence with me, I began to believe and doubt if he is there anymore. And even that he left me. So I begin to think and devise other ways to please me, do my own thing, and work things, out.
But the thing that the Israelites and I didn't do and let that be our nails planted to the ground is remember everything El has done for us, what he taught and showed us, what he promised us. We didn't stand firm in the faith, in the belief, we swayed, doubted, we became impatient. We didn't trust.
So I'm realizing that God isn't the problem, who am to question him. What I need to do is question myself, go back to him, not think about how I can fix things and make them better but how he can. To seek him first, and remember everything that he has done for me. Because at times when I feel like he isn't there, he still is but just waiting on me to seek him. Like my son, we may be in the same place but if I go to a different room, he may stop playing and come seek me out to make sure I was still around, still close. So that is what I must do. That is something we all must do, when we feel like our direct connection to him is gone instead of making our own golden calf, we should and are to seek him out ourselves, because when we do, we will find him.
Here is a scripture that I found to be encouraging and helpful, when Moses tells El that he wants to see his face, but he is unable to because he would die, so instead El passes over him in the form of a cloud. "Exodus 34:6. Then Yahweh passed in front of Moses, calling out, "Yahweh, Yahweh, a compassionate and merciful El, patient, always faithful and ready to forgive. 7. He continues to show his love to thousands of generations, forgiving wrongdoing, disobedience, and sin. He never lets the guilty go unpunished, punishing children and grandchildren for their parents' sins to the third and fourth generation."-The Names of God Bible. And then Moses immediately responds with this which is so true, especially for me. "Exodus 34:8. Immediately, Moses knelt, bowing with his face touching the ground. 9. Then he said, "Adonay, please go with us! Even though we are impossible to deal with, forgive our sins and the wrong we have done, and accept us as your own people."-The Names of God Bible
I am an impossible person to deal with, and I've done so many wrongs, and I just want to be accepted and learning that not to be accepted by other people but by El because that is what matters. And that he is patient, he is compassionate, merciful, he loves me and always ready to forgive me for my sin, wrongdoing, and disobedience, when all I have to do is seek him out. Because he's there, waiting patiently for me to come to him.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Reintroduction
I forgot I had a blog, so it's been two years since I've written something. So now going to try to get back in the swing of things. I'm not going to make any promises on when and often they will be, but I will do my best.
A lot of things have changed and happened since I first started this blog. I'm married now so my name is Angelica Stevenson or Angelica Grayer-Stevenson. I want to share my life experiences, lessons, mistakes, growths to help and encourage other. I'm still a believer so each day I'm given is a chance for me to strengthen my relationship with my our creator, the heavenly Father, though his son the Messiah Yeshua (commonly known as Jesus Christ). My hope that whatever I share can have an impact on your life. To encourage you, strengthen, help you grow, learn, in your own life and journey. So please take what you can use.
Thank you, God bless, Shabbat Shalom (Peaceful Sabbath), and Lord willing I'll be seeing you again soon.
A lot of things have changed and happened since I first started this blog. I'm married now so my name is Angelica Stevenson or Angelica Grayer-Stevenson. I want to share my life experiences, lessons, mistakes, growths to help and encourage other. I'm still a believer so each day I'm given is a chance for me to strengthen my relationship with my our creator, the heavenly Father, though his son the Messiah Yeshua (commonly known as Jesus Christ). My hope that whatever I share can have an impact on your life. To encourage you, strengthen, help you grow, learn, in your own life and journey. So please take what you can use.
Thank you, God bless, Shabbat Shalom (Peaceful Sabbath), and Lord willing I'll be seeing you again soon.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
June 17, 2009 Written By Angelica Grayer
Today was my birthday
And I felt like dying today
I was thinking in my head
And feeling in my heart
Why did God wake me up today
What was His purpose
His plan
Yeah I'm doing better
Than I was last year
And trying to stay on the right path
Though it feels like
I'm fighting a loosing battle
And torn, beated, caged, and controlled
Wouldn't it have been better
That my life would be put on hold
Yes I am a Christian
But today
My faith was waivering
Breaking
I was shaken
It felt like Satan
Was winning this game
From the thoughts in my head
The feelings in my heart
And the actions
I took part
You know
It's hard
This path
This life
This road
The Christian walk
And Jesus I don't know how you did it
But then again I do
And glad that you did
But today
I wondered
Would it be enough
To be able to see
My Father God in Heaven
One day
Not just to get there
because heaven or hell
I don't know where my place is
But to see my Father
To Him face to face
To hear Him say
Well done my child
And to be held
In His loving embrace
And being able to truly feel
Touch to touch
His sweet love
Tender mercy
And amazing grace
I've grown and got over
Not going back again
To the paths that led me
To ultimate sin
But the small things
The words
Actions
Deeds
It feels like that's more
And weighs heavy on me
I wasn't even able
Couldn't sleep in my own bed
Because of the guilt
That was fed
You may think unimportant
But there are those out there
Who would understand
When after being caught up
For so long
The tears that were cried
Pain that was felt
Bondage that was held
The idea of freedom
The things you wanted to do
Could finally do
Able to do it
Without that chain tying you down
And when you finally got the chance
A bump shows up
And makes you go back again
And knows you so well
Your deepest feelings
How you are
Who you are
Trying to b e
Take advantage of it
Uses it
To their own selfish needs
And you fall back again
I fell back again
For one night
One night
Was all I wanted
To feel the freedom
That strength
That accomplishment
Too bad
So sad
Went out the door again
She questions me at every turn
Bugs me
Won't leave me alone for a second
To cool off
To pray
So I won't take my feelings out on her
Doesn't work
Until I finally sanp
And then began to feel bad
And then when I try to apologize and explain
She backs away
And doesn't have time of day
Money thrown in my face
When as a couple we both gave
What happened to 50/50
But I guess it only counts
When you're with me
I'll help you
Just ask
Don't bring up the past
And throw stuff in my face
I feel bad enough as it is
And I feel extra
And suffering
Because I end up helping you in the end
But I keep telling myself
It's going to be okay
Paying back debts
And helping a frined in need
But then again
Not able to save up money
To get out of this place
Lord I want to
She doesn't think I want to
I tried the family thing
Didn't work
On both ends
But in their aspect
I found my peace
And it was you calling me back
To have some peace
Next month
July
That's a big month for me
With my goal and dream
And to say
Hey I can help
But also need to do for me
I can hear it now
The argument
The words she will say
The feeling of being trapped
Like I'm a user
And I've never done nothing for her
Will I overcome
Stand strong
And be brave
Lord I want to
But I don't know how
Yeah I know how
It was taught to me
And I read it everyday
But I don't know how to do it
Myself
Yeah I'm not going to post this
This is just pity and blogging I guess
I don't want pity
Or anybody feel sorry for me
It was my choice that I made
That has put me in the place that I am in
You know what. Forget it.
Who I am kidding
The devil has me in his grasp
And I was his for the taking
From the beginning
*Yep that was my birthday last year. This year was so much better and yet somewhat the same. However next year I know will be better. Cause not depending on nobody and don't need nobody to make me happy, or that will control me, use my feelings and emotions so that I turn against ME. Thank you God for letting me see 24 years. I'm not who I used to be, as I growing to be the WOMAN You want and need me to be*
And I felt like dying today
I was thinking in my head
And feeling in my heart
Why did God wake me up today
What was His purpose
His plan
Yeah I'm doing better
Than I was last year
And trying to stay on the right path
Though it feels like
I'm fighting a loosing battle
And torn, beated, caged, and controlled
Wouldn't it have been better
That my life would be put on hold
Yes I am a Christian
But today
My faith was waivering
Breaking
I was shaken
It felt like Satan
Was winning this game
From the thoughts in my head
The feelings in my heart
And the actions
I took part
You know
It's hard
This path
This life
This road
The Christian walk
And Jesus I don't know how you did it
But then again I do
And glad that you did
But today
I wondered
Would it be enough
To be able to see
My Father God in Heaven
One day
Not just to get there
because heaven or hell
I don't know where my place is
But to see my Father
To Him face to face
To hear Him say
Well done my child
And to be held
In His loving embrace
And being able to truly feel
Touch to touch
His sweet love
Tender mercy
And amazing grace
I've grown and got over
Not going back again
To the paths that led me
To ultimate sin
But the small things
The words
Actions
Deeds
It feels like that's more
And weighs heavy on me
I wasn't even able
Couldn't sleep in my own bed
Because of the guilt
That was fed
You may think unimportant
But there are those out there
Who would understand
When after being caught up
For so long
The tears that were cried
Pain that was felt
Bondage that was held
The idea of freedom
The things you wanted to do
Could finally do
Able to do it
Without that chain tying you down
And when you finally got the chance
A bump shows up
And makes you go back again
And knows you so well
Your deepest feelings
How you are
Who you are
Trying to b e
Take advantage of it
Uses it
To their own selfish needs
And you fall back again
I fell back again
For one night
One night
Was all I wanted
To feel the freedom
That strength
That accomplishment
Too bad
So sad
Went out the door again
She questions me at every turn
Bugs me
Won't leave me alone for a second
To cool off
To pray
So I won't take my feelings out on her
Doesn't work
Until I finally sanp
And then began to feel bad
And then when I try to apologize and explain
She backs away
And doesn't have time of day
Money thrown in my face
When as a couple we both gave
What happened to 50/50
But I guess it only counts
When you're with me
I'll help you
Just ask
Don't bring up the past
And throw stuff in my face
I feel bad enough as it is
And I feel extra
And suffering
Because I end up helping you in the end
But I keep telling myself
It's going to be okay
Paying back debts
And helping a frined in need
But then again
Not able to save up money
To get out of this place
Lord I want to
She doesn't think I want to
I tried the family thing
Didn't work
On both ends
But in their aspect
I found my peace
And it was you calling me back
To have some peace
Next month
July
That's a big month for me
With my goal and dream
And to say
Hey I can help
But also need to do for me
I can hear it now
The argument
The words she will say
The feeling of being trapped
Like I'm a user
And I've never done nothing for her
Will I overcome
Stand strong
And be brave
Lord I want to
But I don't know how
Yeah I know how
It was taught to me
And I read it everyday
But I don't know how to do it
Myself
Yeah I'm not going to post this
This is just pity and blogging I guess
I don't want pity
Or anybody feel sorry for me
It was my choice that I made
That has put me in the place that I am in
You know what. Forget it.
Who I am kidding
The devil has me in his grasp
And I was his for the taking
From the beginning
*Yep that was my birthday last year. This year was so much better and yet somewhat the same. However next year I know will be better. Cause not depending on nobody and don't need nobody to make me happy, or that will control me, use my feelings and emotions so that I turn against ME. Thank you God for letting me see 24 years. I'm not who I used to be, as I growing to be the WOMAN You want and need me to be*
Monday, October 18, 2010
THE VIRTUOUS WOMAN IN YOU By Angelica AQ Grayer 08/17/2010
PROVERBS 31 (King James Version):
1. The words of King Lem'-u-el, the prophecy that his mother taught him.
2. What, my son? and what, the son of my womb? and what, the son of my vows?
3. Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.
4. It is not for kings, O Lem'-u-el, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:
5. Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.
6. Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
7. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
8. Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.
9. Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.
10. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies?
11. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14. She is like the merchant's ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengthenth her arms.
18. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
19. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is of silk and purple.
23. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25. Strength and honor are her clothing: and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
31. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
A friend has been telling me to do this a very long time, so I apologize for not doing so please forgive me. Another friend also once said to me, when I tried to describe this scripture and what I wanted to aspire to be. I told him that I firmly believe that a virtuous woman is inside every woman. He didn't believe me. Well you are wrong. Because it is.
I sure can't work a spindle, which nowadays would be a needle and thread or a sewing machine. Would like to learn because a good talent to have, but hopefully my husband will know a thing or two. I do not have all of these qualities and yet I am a virtuous woman.
From drug addiction, fast tailing, homosexuality, abuse, and everything ugly and bad inside of me. There was a virtuous woman inside of me. Waiting, wanting to be set free. I had the qualities of helping people however I didn't have that respect for myself or my body. Until I met a man that God used to help me. I fell in love with him and it didn't work out in the end, however I am thankful and blessed to have come out they way I am.
Sometimes we choose our own road and path instead of the one God has for us. We learn what we are supposed to learn, receive the wisdom knowledge and understanding. However, the lesson and road is harder and darker at times then it would have been, if we didn't stray from the voice and way of God. Trust me I know. Many times I've learned things the hard way that I could have learned in a easier way, when I found out and it was repeated later on. But sometimes we go through things for a specific reason, to be thankful, grateful, and wiser. That next time around. We may choose not to take the long dark road when it is not necessary. And when God has an easier path in front of our face.
I believe that there is a virtuous woman inside us all. No matter what we are going through, doing, or about to do. No matter our past, our present, and the unknown future. She is inside, waiting to be set free, unleashed, looked for, and seeked.
I once was afraid of this one, and almost did not let her go free because of fear that I wouldn't live up, take advantage of her, disappoint her, let her down, and in turn, let down my God as well. And yet I learned I have nothing to be afraid, that God didn't give me a spirit of fear. And that when this woman is unleashed, God knows the power, the love, the being, of who she is, what she will face, what she wants to do, her goals and dreams, test and trials. And HE will pull her through, guide her, test her, and yet still love her, and have mercy and grace upon. As long as I accept, change, grow, have faith, and believe. To try and not give up and at times, to not give in when deemed.
And now here I am, here she is. Young, bold, black, and beautiful. Saved, baptized in Jesus Name, smart, kind, caring, always seeking and forever learning.
And there you are, white, black, yellow, blue, green. Skinny, thin, thick, big or fat. Pretty or ugly. I didn't see no physical description in those scriptures did you? Because it's not about what's on the outside, or what the woman looks like. God doesn't care about looks. We are made in HIS image. All of us, fearfully and wonderfully made, INDIVIDUALLY! It is her works, her personality, her heart, her mind, her body, her soul. It's what's on the inside that really counts and matters. What she does, shows, and in the end proves to those who said and thought "It couldn't be you." I believe it and so should you. No matter how hard it may be. Be encouraged. Because the the Bible told you so, because God loves you so and because HE said it is so. Deemed it. And created YOU to be so.
God Bless my sisters, you are blessed and highly favoured. You are loved, and mercy and grace is upon you and with you. Believe and have faith.
This is for ALL WOMEN: Friends, sisters, family members, coworkers, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, adoptive mothers, nieces, and enemies. A VIRTUOUS WOMAN YOU ARE!
Sincerely with Love Peace and Harmony, one who is like you. Friend, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, lover, enemy, sinner, and a saved woman. However mostly importantly. A child and daughter of the Most High God.
1. The words of King Lem'-u-el, the prophecy that his mother taught him.
2. What, my son? and what, the son of my womb? and what, the son of my vows?
3. Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.
4. It is not for kings, O Lem'-u-el, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:
5. Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.
6. Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
7. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
8. Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.
9. Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.
10. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies?
11. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14. She is like the merchant's ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengthenth her arms.
18. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
19. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is of silk and purple.
23. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25. Strength and honor are her clothing: and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
31. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
A friend has been telling me to do this a very long time, so I apologize for not doing so please forgive me. Another friend also once said to me, when I tried to describe this scripture and what I wanted to aspire to be. I told him that I firmly believe that a virtuous woman is inside every woman. He didn't believe me. Well you are wrong. Because it is.
I sure can't work a spindle, which nowadays would be a needle and thread or a sewing machine. Would like to learn because a good talent to have, but hopefully my husband will know a thing or two. I do not have all of these qualities and yet I am a virtuous woman.
From drug addiction, fast tailing, homosexuality, abuse, and everything ugly and bad inside of me. There was a virtuous woman inside of me. Waiting, wanting to be set free. I had the qualities of helping people however I didn't have that respect for myself or my body. Until I met a man that God used to help me. I fell in love with him and it didn't work out in the end, however I am thankful and blessed to have come out they way I am.
Sometimes we choose our own road and path instead of the one God has for us. We learn what we are supposed to learn, receive the wisdom knowledge and understanding. However, the lesson and road is harder and darker at times then it would have been, if we didn't stray from the voice and way of God. Trust me I know. Many times I've learned things the hard way that I could have learned in a easier way, when I found out and it was repeated later on. But sometimes we go through things for a specific reason, to be thankful, grateful, and wiser. That next time around. We may choose not to take the long dark road when it is not necessary. And when God has an easier path in front of our face.
I believe that there is a virtuous woman inside us all. No matter what we are going through, doing, or about to do. No matter our past, our present, and the unknown future. She is inside, waiting to be set free, unleashed, looked for, and seeked.
I once was afraid of this one, and almost did not let her go free because of fear that I wouldn't live up, take advantage of her, disappoint her, let her down, and in turn, let down my God as well. And yet I learned I have nothing to be afraid, that God didn't give me a spirit of fear. And that when this woman is unleashed, God knows the power, the love, the being, of who she is, what she will face, what she wants to do, her goals and dreams, test and trials. And HE will pull her through, guide her, test her, and yet still love her, and have mercy and grace upon. As long as I accept, change, grow, have faith, and believe. To try and not give up and at times, to not give in when deemed.
And now here I am, here she is. Young, bold, black, and beautiful. Saved, baptized in Jesus Name, smart, kind, caring, always seeking and forever learning.
And there you are, white, black, yellow, blue, green. Skinny, thin, thick, big or fat. Pretty or ugly. I didn't see no physical description in those scriptures did you? Because it's not about what's on the outside, or what the woman looks like. God doesn't care about looks. We are made in HIS image. All of us, fearfully and wonderfully made, INDIVIDUALLY! It is her works, her personality, her heart, her mind, her body, her soul. It's what's on the inside that really counts and matters. What she does, shows, and in the end proves to those who said and thought "It couldn't be you." I believe it and so should you. No matter how hard it may be. Be encouraged. Because the the Bible told you so, because God loves you so and because HE said it is so. Deemed it. And created YOU to be so.
God Bless my sisters, you are blessed and highly favoured. You are loved, and mercy and grace is upon you and with you. Believe and have faith.
This is for ALL WOMEN: Friends, sisters, family members, coworkers, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, adoptive mothers, nieces, and enemies. A VIRTUOUS WOMAN YOU ARE!
Sincerely with Love Peace and Harmony, one who is like you. Friend, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, lover, enemy, sinner, and a saved woman. However mostly importantly. A child and daughter of the Most High God.
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