Today was my birthday
And I felt like dying today
I was thinking in my head
And feeling in my heart
Why did God wake me up today
What was His purpose
His plan
Yeah I'm doing better
Than I was last year
And trying to stay on the right path
Though it feels like
I'm fighting a loosing battle
And torn, beated, caged, and controlled
Wouldn't it have been better
That my life would be put on hold
Yes I am a Christian
But today
My faith was waivering
Breaking
I was shaken
It felt like Satan
Was winning this game
From the thoughts in my head
The feelings in my heart
And the actions
I took part
You know
It's hard
This path
This life
This road
The Christian walk
And Jesus I don't know how you did it
But then again I do
And glad that you did
But today
I wondered
Would it be enough
To be able to see
My Father God in Heaven
One day
Not just to get there
because heaven or hell
I don't know where my place is
But to see my Father
To Him face to face
To hear Him say
Well done my child
And to be held
In His loving embrace
And being able to truly feel
Touch to touch
His sweet love
Tender mercy
And amazing grace
I've grown and got over
Not going back again
To the paths that led me
To ultimate sin
But the small things
The words
Actions
Deeds
It feels like that's more
And weighs heavy on me
I wasn't even able
Couldn't sleep in my own bed
Because of the guilt
That was fed
You may think unimportant
But there are those out there
Who would understand
When after being caught up
For so long
The tears that were cried
Pain that was felt
Bondage that was held
The idea of freedom
The things you wanted to do
Could finally do
Able to do it
Without that chain tying you down
And when you finally got the chance
A bump shows up
And makes you go back again
And knows you so well
Your deepest feelings
How you are
Who you are
Trying to b e
Take advantage of it
Uses it
To their own selfish needs
And you fall back again
I fell back again
For one night
One night
Was all I wanted
To feel the freedom
That strength
That accomplishment
Too bad
So sad
Went out the door again
She questions me at every turn
Bugs me
Won't leave me alone for a second
To cool off
To pray
So I won't take my feelings out on her
Doesn't work
Until I finally sanp
And then began to feel bad
And then when I try to apologize and explain
She backs away
And doesn't have time of day
Money thrown in my face
When as a couple we both gave
What happened to 50/50
But I guess it only counts
When you're with me
I'll help you
Just ask
Don't bring up the past
And throw stuff in my face
I feel bad enough as it is
And I feel extra
And suffering
Because I end up helping you in the end
But I keep telling myself
It's going to be okay
Paying back debts
And helping a frined in need
But then again
Not able to save up money
To get out of this place
Lord I want to
She doesn't think I want to
I tried the family thing
Didn't work
On both ends
But in their aspect
I found my peace
And it was you calling me back
To have some peace
Next month
July
That's a big month for me
With my goal and dream
And to say
Hey I can help
But also need to do for me
I can hear it now
The argument
The words she will say
The feeling of being trapped
Like I'm a user
And I've never done nothing for her
Will I overcome
Stand strong
And be brave
Lord I want to
But I don't know how
Yeah I know how
It was taught to me
And I read it everyday
But I don't know how to do it
Myself
Yeah I'm not going to post this
This is just pity and blogging I guess
I don't want pity
Or anybody feel sorry for me
It was my choice that I made
That has put me in the place that I am in
You know what. Forget it.
Who I am kidding
The devil has me in his grasp
And I was his for the taking
From the beginning
*Yep that was my birthday last year. This year was so much better and yet somewhat the same. However next year I know will be better. Cause not depending on nobody and don't need nobody to make me happy, or that will control me, use my feelings and emotions so that I turn against ME. Thank you God for letting me see 24 years. I'm not who I used to be, as I growing to be the WOMAN You want and need me to be*
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