My Golden Calf

I find myself questioning my faith, my belief, my choices, and my decisions. I know some people say that that is just the devil messing with me but to me honest, if I was firm in this there wouldn't be anything for him to use to mess me with. So in honesty it's me.

I know I am not firm and consistent in this faith I claim to believe and share. I don't put Abba Yahweh (Father God) like I should, as he wants and requires of us. When trouble arises I don't run to him or his word, I run to my own devices and vices. Recently when my husband and I had our first argument, trial, trouble in our marriage, I didn't go to God, I ran back to cigarettes. Yes I thought about him, prayed, and read the Word later, but he wasn't my first thought, my first stress reliever, my first sorrow quencher, my fire extinguisher for my anger and my pain. Then I think back to when I first came to Yah, the zeal I had for him, to want to know him, search him, and seek him, and I realize my worship, my heart, and my desire is not even close to what it was then. And then so many other things about my childhood finally coming to light, the truth, and I begin to question him. And now I find myself thinking, do I really want to do this? What's the point? It's too hard. I can't always feel him and believe that he's always here with me, and that's what I want, what I need, because I know I'm weak, and will sway at the slightest wind of despair, loneliness, trouble, doubt, and fear.

This morning I was reading Exodus 29-31, and this is the point where El has already delivered the Israelites out of Egypt and there at Mount Sinai, Moses has went up to the mountain to receive the laws, commandments, and judgments from God. He was up there for 40 days and 40 nights, and the people were left alone, without their direct connect to God. Now in Exodus 32 when he began to be gone for a long time, the people went to Aaron and told him to make them a golden calf to be their god. "Exodus 32: When the people saw that Moses delayed coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron. They said to him, "We don't know what has happened to this Moses, who led us out of Egypt. Make gods who will lead us."-The Names of God Bible. And that made me think about myself. When I don't feel God's presence with me, I began to believe and doubt if he is there anymore. And even that he left me. So I begin to think and devise other ways to please me, do my own thing, and work things, out.

But the thing that the Israelites and I didn't do and let that be our nails planted to the ground is remember everything El has done for us, what he taught and showed us, what he promised us. We didn't stand firm in the faith, in the belief, we swayed, doubted, we became impatient. We didn't trust.

So I'm realizing that God isn't the problem, who am to question him. What I need to do is question myself, go back to him, not think about how I can fix things and make them better but how he can. To seek him first, and remember everything that he has done for me. Because at times when I feel like he isn't there, he still is but just waiting on me to seek him. Like my son, we may be in the same place but if I go to a different room, he may stop playing and come seek me out to make sure I was still around, still close. So that is what I must do. That is something we all must do, when we feel like our direct connection to him is gone instead of making our own golden calf, we should and are to seek him out ourselves, because when we do, we will find him.

Here is a scripture that I found to be encouraging and helpful, when Moses tells El that he wants to see his face, but he is unable to because he would die, so instead El passes over him in the form of a cloud. "Exodus 34:6. Then Yahweh passed in front of Moses, calling out, "Yahweh, Yahweh, a compassionate and merciful El, patient, always faithful and ready to forgive. 7. He continues to show his love to thousands of generations, forgiving wrongdoing, disobedience, and sin. He never lets the guilty go unpunished, punishing children and grandchildren for their parents' sins to the third and fourth generation."-The Names of God Bible. And then Moses immediately responds with this which is so true, especially for me. "Exodus 34:8. Immediately, Moses knelt, bowing with his face touching the ground. 9. Then he said, "Adonay, please go with us! Even though we are impossible to deal with, forgive our sins and the wrong we have done, and accept us as your own people."-The Names of God Bible

I am an impossible person to deal with, and I've done so many wrongs, and I just want to be accepted and learning that not to be accepted by other people but by El because that is what matters. And that he is patient, he is compassionate, merciful, he loves me and always ready to forgive me for my sin, wrongdoing, and disobedience, when all I have to do is seek him out. Because he's there, waiting patiently for me to come to him.